


I Got You

by CocoBadShip



Category: On My Block (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Light Angst, M/M, Not Beta Read, Secret Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-14
Updated: 2020-04-14
Packaged: 2021-02-23 13:53:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23645761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CocoBadShip/pseuds/CocoBadShip
Summary: There’s never been a boy. Cesar’s never even given a boy a second glance. Never even considered it.But now, there’s Ruby.
Relationships: Cesar Diaz/Ruby Martinez
Comments: 4
Kudos: 79





	I Got You

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this after binge-watching On My Block and realizing that I really, really wanted Cesar and Ruby to have a crush on each other at some point. 
> 
> This was supposed to be 5K long, but I got a tiny bit carried away. 
> 
> I'm new here, so I hope y'all don't hate it!

Cesar doesn’t like the quiet. 

It makes him nervous. Makes him _anxious._ Silence makes the air thicker; makes it harder to move or even breathe, really. The quiet makes Cesar feel like there’s _something_ hovering over his shoulders, walking too close on his heels. Waiting for him to let his guard down. 

He should like it. He should be grateful for the stillness. After the fucked up year he’s had, Cesar should be thanking God for how quiet the block is now. Cesar should know that the quiet—the _peace_ —is a luxury that’s in short supply. 

Shit can pop off so easily. 19th street could decide to double cross the Santos. The Prophet$ could get out of jail anyday and come back for revenge. Hell, Cesar could get into it with Oscar and get kicked out again. Anything could happen to disrupt the peace, so why shouldn’t Cesar enjoy it while he can? 

Why _can’t_ Cesar just enjoy it?

Is he really _that_ fucked up now? But, how could he _not_ be, with everything that’s happened? Death has brushed up against Cesar and his friends a thousand times in the past 12 months. He’s lost friends, lost his home, thought he’d lost what remained of his family. How could he be normal and enjoy a good day after all this?

Cesar tortures himself with the thought as he sits on the porch of his house. The sky is bright blue, and it feels like the sun is pouring onto him and him only. Sweat pours into Cesar’s eyes, and his leg keeps jumping as he glares out to the street. Cesar scrubs at his eyes impatiently, muttering curses to himself. 

Cesar can’t enjoy a “good day” because there’s no such thing as a “good day,” he reminds himself. And you know what, Cesar _is_ fucked up, but that’s not a bad thing. It means he’ll never forget how bad things can get. It means he’ll always be prepared. 

Cesar can’t ever be deceived by the “quiet.” Something bad will eventually happen. It always does. 

##

Cesar’s sitting and stewing for a couple of hours when Ruby dawdles onto his front porch. 

“Jasmine’s taking care of her dad,” he explains with a frown. “And Jamal is with Kendra. _Again._ ” 

Cesar nods, but then he smirks. He’s gotta be honest; he never thought Jamal would get a girlfriend. He loves his friend, but Cesar would be lying if he said Jamal wasn’t one of the weirdest, most awkward people he’s ever met. But, then again, so is this Kendra girl.

“I’m just glad she’s not actually a Prophet,” Cesar mumbles, more to himself than Ruby.

Ruby snorts, rolling his big brown eyes in the process. 

“No kidding.”

Ruby plops down in the chair next to Cesar, pushing it so that he and Cesar are sitting closer. Cesar gives Ruby the once-over. Ruby looks good; he actually looks rested, and he looks way less stressed than he did just a few weeks ago. For a moment, Ruby looks like he’s glowing.

_It’s sweat_ , Cesar reminds himself. _It’s a thousand fucking degrees out here._

“So, since Jasmine and Jamal are busy, _I’m_ the last resort?” Cesar asks playfully.

Because he doesn’t mind if he is—he gets it. After all the shit Cesar’s put them through, it’s amazing _any_ of them still speak to him, but especially Ruby. 

Ruby rolls his eyes again, but a big smile spreads over his face this time.

“ _Obviously_ , genius,” Ruby says. He can barely keep the laughter out of his voice. “Why else would I be here?” 

And Cesar rolls his eyes right back and tries to bite back a giggle. And they sit on the porch and talk about Kendra and Monse’s story about her preppy suite mates and that weird thing Abuelita said the other day. Easy laughs slip out of Cesar’s mouth like he’s been drinking. 

They sit there on that hot porch and talk until the sun gets low, and Cesar can’t feel it burning his skin anymore. 

##

Oscar sends Cesar to the store in the middle of the day. 

“We need eggs,” Oscar says in a flat voice. “And I ain’t getting ‘em because I ain’t the one who keeps eating ‘em.”

And Cesar has half a mind to tell him that yeah, he might not be the one eating them, but he _is_ the one that’s been all domestic and shit and has been making Cesar eat a “real” breakfast every damn morning. Cesar swears Oscar’s been acting his damn father ever since he made “peace” with 19th Street. However bad or overbearing Oscar was _before_ that shit went down doesn’t matter; he’s a thousand times worse now. 

But, whatever. Cesar isn’t about to argue over a quick trip to get some eggs. He needs to walk around, anyway. He’s still got a week and a half until school starts, and he’s starting to go stir crazy. So, he laces up his shoes and walks out of the door.

“Get some paper towels, too!” Oscar yells at Cesar’s back. 

“Yes sir, papa,” Cesar grumbles under his breath, raising his hand at the sound of Oscar’s voice. 

When Cesar is halfway down the sidewalk, still grumbling to himself about how much Oscar is getting on his nerves, he sees a familiar figure biking past him.

“Aye, Ruby!” Cesar calls. 

Ruby stops with a screech and a surprised look on his face. When he realizes he’s looking at Cesar, he grins. 

“ ‘Sup?” Ruby asks. “Where you headed?”

Cesar just looks at Ruby for a second. His cheeks are a little red, his hair is mussed up, and his eyes are still wide. Most people would look at Ruby and blame the bike ride, but Cesar knows his boy better. 

“You been over Jasmine’s?” Cesar asks slyly. 

Ruby’s face turns even redder. “Um, yeah, we were just . . . you know.” 

Cesar chuckles. They could talk about masturbating all day, but now that Ruby’s actually having sex with Jasmine, he’s suddenly all shy. 

“Well, _I’m_ running an errand,” Cesar says. “You wanna come with?”

“Uh . . .” Ruby glances down at his bike. 

“I’ll pedal and you can ride on the back,” Cesar offers. “Give your legs a break.”

Ruby blinks at him for a few seconds, then nods jerkingly.

“Yeah, yeah, okay,” Ruby says as he hops down from the bike. 

Ruby steps aside to give Cesar more room to mount the bike. Cesar looks at Ruby out of the corner of his eye as he climbs on. Ruby looks nervous, and Cesar can’t figure out why. They’ve done this plenty of times. 

When Ruby steps onto the bike pegs, he presses his hands down on Cesar’s so hard that Cesar might end up with a bruise. And, if Cesar isn’t mistaken, Ruby is trembling.

“You good?” Cesar asks, looking over his shoulder at Ruby. 

“Yeah!” Ruby says, his voice suddenly pitched low. “Yeah, I’m good.” 

Cesar nods, faces the road in front of them, and pedals down the street.

##

When Cesar comes back an half hour later—with the eggs, paper towels and at least four other items they didn’t need—he’s still thinking of the feeling of Ruby’s hands pressed down on his shoulders. Cesar’s thinking of the lingering warmth from Ruby’s body being so close, and of the way they kept bumping into each other in the tight aisles of the corner store. 

It was weird. It shouldn’t have been weird, because they’ve been friends for what feels like forever at this point. But it was definitely weird. 

Oscar gives him an odd look when he puts away the groceries.

“What?” Cesar demands. 

Oscar just shrugs and quirks an eyebrow at him.

“You look weird,” Oscar says. Then he goes back to the room, completely ignoring the way Cesar stares after him. 

##

Cesar’s still not used to hanging out with Jasmine so much.

It’s really not Jasmine herself. It’s how chaotic everything can get when Jasmine, Jamal and Ruby are all in the same room together. Cesar squeezes himself into a corner of Ruby’s couch and watches as the three of them get into a very animated argument about . . . what _are_ they even arguing about? Some sort of pasta recipe? 

At some point, Jasmine and Jamal focus on yelling at each other, and they leave Ruby out of it. Jasmine and Jamal raise their voices and wave their arms around, and Ruby stands beside them rubbing his temples, muttering about how they’ll burn the bottom of the noodles and end up with overly-salty sauce if they follow their recipe. 

Cesar’s eyes focus on Ruby. Ruby looks _stressed_ , and he keeps mouthing “Oh my _God!_ ” every so often. Cesar has to bite his lip to keep from laughing aloud. He’ll never say it, but it’s funny to watch Ruby get so worked up. Cesar could watch Ruby pace a room all day. 

Ruby eventually gives up; he throws his hands up and steps around their bickering friends. Ruby roughly sits down next to Cesar, knocking against Cesar as he lands. He dramatically throws his hand back and drapes his arm over his eyes.

“What are we gonna do with these two?” Ruby mutters. 

Cesar shrugs and laughs lowly. He doesn’t take his eyes off of Ruby.

“I have no idea.” 

##

Ruby’s name pops up on Cesar’s phone at 2:48 AM, and Cesar is immediately wide awake. 

He jolts, sitting up right as if someone’s shocked him in the back. Something bad has happened. _Shit_ , something bad has happened. What if Ruby got snatched up again? What if he got _hurt_ again? Where could he be right now? What could’ve happened to him?

Cesar answers the phone with shaky hands.

“Ruby?”

Nothing.

“. . . _Ruby_?” 

Cesar hears faint rustling and a soft exhale on the other end, but not Ruby’s voice.

Someone’s got his phone. Fuck, someone’s got his phone. This must be some type of setup, someone trying to lure them by using Ruby. 

“ _Damn it_ ,” Cesar hisses, and he’s scrambling out of bed, ready to throw on some shoes and run to Ruby’s when a soft voice stops him.

“ . . . Sorry.” It’s Ruby, sounding small and tired. “I’m sorry, I . . . I didn’t mean to call you.”

_Thank God._ Cesar sighs in relief and lets himself fall back onto his bed. Cesar stares up at the ceiling as he listens to the muffled sounds coming from the other end of his phone. Ruby, moving around his bed. 

“What’s up, compa?” Cesar asks.

“It’s nothing,” Ruby murmurs. He sounds . . . _embarrassed._ “Like I said, I didn’t mean to call you.”

“Well, you meant to call _somebody_ ,” Cesar argues, “so that means something’s up.” 

“I don’t know _what_ I was doing,” Ruby mumbles. Cesar doesn’t have to be looking at Ruby to know that Ruby’s got his head ducked down, staring down at his own legs.

Cesar props himself up on his elbows. “You know I’ll just keep asking ‘til you tell me, Ruby,” he says. “So, you might as well just get it over with.” 

Ruby’s quiet again. For a second, Cesar thinks he’s hung up. But then Ruby starts speaking in an even quieter, more hesitant voice. 

“It was . . . I mean . . .” Cesar can hear Ruby moving around again. “I just had a nightmare. That’s all it was,” Ruby finally confesses. “It wasn’t a big deal.”

Cesar frowns. He knows enough about nightmares to know they’re _never_ “not a big deal.” 

“You wanna tell me about it?” Cesar asks carefully.

“No, no,” Ruby answers almost instantly. “I mean . . . nah, I’m—I’m good. It was just a stupid dream.”

Ruby’s lying his ass off; Cesar can hear it in the way his voice drops, getting rougher around the edges. There’s a big part of Cesar that wants to call him out on it. But it’s almost 3 AM, and there’s no use in pushing Ruby if he’s uncomfortable. 

“Okay,” Cesar says. “ _But_ , you know you can talk to me whenever you’re _not_ good. I got you. You know that, right?” 

“Yeah, I know, Cesar,” Ruby says, and Cesar can hear the smile in his voice. “Sorry for waking you up, though.”

“Got nothing to be sorry about,” Cesar immediately says. “Talk to you later?” 

“Yeah,” Ruby says, his voice sleepy, “Talk to you later.” 

Ruby hangs up. Cesar puts his phone back on the floor next to his bed and lies back down. 

But he doesn’t go to sleep. He can’t, no matter how hard he tries. All Cesar can do is lie awake and wonder about the nightmare that shook Ruby so badly. 

Cesar wants to fix it. He wants to find whatever it is and fix it now. He doesn’t want anything to scare Ruby that badly again. 

##

Cesar yawns so hard his jaw pops. Oscar just smirks at him.

“Stop spending all night on the phone, Romeo,” Oscar says in a teasing tone. 

Cesar doesn’t have the energy to argue with him. 

##

School is weird without Monse.

Even weirder, Cesar doesn’t have a class with _any_ of his friends. He spends the entire first day looking at the door of his classes, wanting for Jamal or Jasmine or Ruby to walk through, and feeling disappointed when they never show up.

By the time lunch rolls around, Cesar’s crawling out of his skin. He’s starting to think he can’t function without his friends. That’s probably a really bad thing, but oh well. 

Everybody else seems to feel the same way; Ruby, Jasmine and Jamal all sit down at their table and start talking all over themselves, ranting about their classes and their teachers and really fucking weird it is that Monse is hundreds of miles of away right now. 

It’s pure chaos, like it _always_ is with them. Cesar doesn’t say anything. He just sits at the table, soaking up the noise around him. 

At one point, Cesar sees Ruby looking straight at him. He’s talking to Jamal, arguing about what the Algebra teacher carries around in her purse, but he’s watching Cesar. Cesar watches him back, letting his eyes roam all over Ruby’s face. Ruby looks tired; he’s got bags under his eyes. But he seems like he’s mostly okay. Cesar’s seen Ruby in real, horrible pain before, and he looks far, far away from that now. 

It should probably creep Cesar out, the way they’re watching each other. But, it’s not. It’s actually kinda nice. Cesar wonders what Ruby sees when he watches him like this. 

##

Cesar and Monse spend two hours on the phone after the first day of school. She tells him about her classes and her teachers and the “elitist, pompous” girls in her “functionally useless” philosophy and religion class. 

He tells her about how Jamal apparently already managed to piss off his American History teacher and how Oscar got on Cesar’s nerves so bad about school this morning that Cesar seriously considered hitch hiking to Bakersfield instead of coming home. 

“Don't be like that,” Monse says. “It sounds like he’s actually trying to watch out for you now. That’s really good, right? Way better than before.”

Cesar bites his tongue, because he wants to tell Monse that she was singing a _really_ different tune a few months back. But there’s no reason to start an argument right now. Cesar and Monse are good again, better than they’ve been in a long while. He needs to try to keep it that way.

Monse’s talking again, this time about how her suitemates walk around outside _barefoot_ , when Cesar gets a text.

**Ruby - 3:45 PM:** You’re coming over my house for movie night tomorrow. You HAVE to come because I already know Jamal and Jasmine are gonna argue and I need help refereeing. 

**Ruby - 3:47 PM:** Also you’re bringing chips because YOU ATE ALL MINE LAST TIME. 

Cesar rolls his eyes and chuckles. Monse abruptly stops talking, and the silence snatches Cesar’s attention.

“What’s funny?” Monse demands in _that_ tone, the one that lets Cesar know that he’s fucked up.

“Sorry! I just got a text from Ruby about movie night, that’s all.”

“ _Oh_ ,” Monse’s voice is soft and sweet again. “Let me guess, he’s making you bring something?”

“Chips,” Cesar says fondly. 

“I miss movie nights,” Monse says. “As soon as I come home for Christmas, we gotta have a movie night.”

Cesar imagines all five of them together again, sitting in the middle of Ruby’s living room, just watching a movie. Not planning some crazy scheme to keep them alive. Just being normal teenagers and watching a movie together. 

“That sounds _amazing_ ,” Cesar says with a sigh. “Then _you_ can be the grown-up again, not me. You can help Ruby with Jamal and Jasmine!” 

Monse laughs. “Oh, no. That’s _your_ job now. They’re all yours. Have fun!” 

##

Somehow, they end up watching the old _A Nightmare on Elm Street_ , sitting in total darkness in Ruby’s living room for “added effect.” 

Jamal and Jasmine rant about the logistics of Freddy killing Johnny Depp, and Abuelita pops her head in to mutter how letting evil spirits into the house through the t.v. screen. Cesar blocks them out, focuses on the movie and tries not to eat all of the chips this time. 

Towards the end of the movie, Cesar feels something brushing against his shoulder and nearly jumps out of his skin.

It takes a couple of seconds for his eyes to adjust in the darkness. Cesar realizes that it’s _Ruby;_ Ruby’s head leaning against Cesar’s shoulder, his hair tickling Cesar. Ruby’s fallen asleep, despite all of the noise of the movie and his friends. 

Flashing lights from the t.v. screen illuminate Ruby’s sleeping face. Cesar watches Ruby’s face for a long time, completely forgetting about the movie. It’s more interesting to watch the way Ruby’s eyes flutter and the way his lips just barely part as he sleeps. Ruby’s hand falls against Cesar’s thigh, and Cesar can feel it twitching. 

Ruby looks _exhausted._ He obviously hasn’t been sleeping. Ruby’s complained about sleeping and his “never-my-own room” to Cesar before, so Cesar isn’t entirely surprised to see how tired Ruby seems to be. But it is surprising to feel Ruby’s hand twitch again and to see the way Ruby’s eyebrows furrowed over his closed eyes. 

Ruby’s dreaming, Cesar realizes. And it doesn’t look like a good dream. 

Cesar moves his shoulder gently, trying not to jostle Ruby too hard. When Ruby doesn’t wake up, Cesar leans his head down, getting as close to Ruby’s ear as he can. He barely manages to keep his lips from grazing Ruby’s ear, and he tries to ignore how warm his face and chest suddenly feel. 

“Yo, Ruby,” Cesar says with quiet urgency, “wake up! _Ruby_!” 

Ruby’s eyes open slowly, and his nostrils flare as wakefulness returns. 

“You okay?” Cesar asks him.

Ruby startles at the sound of Cesar’s voice. He jolts, sitting upright, looking at Cesar with wide, frightened eyes. Cesar’s stomach suddenly drops as he takes in Ruby’s wild expression.

“My bad,” Ruby mumbled, his voice barely loud enough for Cesar to hear. 

Next to them, Jasmine and Jamal start shouting as Nancy screams at the top of her lungs.

##

Cesar waits for Ruby outside of school the next morning. He gets early just so he can make sure he catches Ruby.

Cesar needs to know what’s going on. Ruby’s been acting weird, and he’s looked like a damn zombie all week. Ruby’s usually wearing his emotions on his sleeves at all times, but lately he’s been cagey, barely answering any questions or talking at all. Cesar’s never seen Ruby go so quiet. Even in the weeks after he got shot—when the nightmares and panic attacks were the worst—he still had his lively moments. 

Cesar’s worried. He can’t help it. 

So, Cesar waits, hanging outside of the front door, watching the doors as they pull up and pull away from the school. 

Jamal’s dad pulls up and lets Jamal out about 20 minutes before classes start. Jamal scurries up to Cesar with a wary look on his face, getting in Cesar’s face and blocking his view of the other cars. 

“Um, why are you posted up like this?” Jamal demands. He whips around wildly before Cesar can answer him, his eyes darting every which way. “Are you looking for somebody? Is somebody looking for _us_?? Should I start running now???” 

“ _No_ ,” Cesar grumbles, because he’s getting impatient and Jamal’s making it worse. He leans around Jamal, trying to see past him. “I’m looking for _Ruby_ , Jamal. That’s it.”

“ _Oh_ ,” Jamal says in relief. But then he frowns. “Then why do you have that look on your face?”

Cesar freezes. He stands upright again and looks Jamal in his face. 

“What look?” 

_“That_ look,” Jamal insists. “You look tense as hell. And _scary._ Are you _mad_ at him or something?”

“N-no!” Cesar feels his face burn, and he knows he must look red. “I’m just . . . I’m worried about him, alright? You’ve seen how he is, right?”

Jamal grimaces. “ _Yeah_ , I have. He’s been looking real _rough_ lately _._ ” 

Cesar rolls his eyes. “Exactly. I need to know what’s going on.” 

“Aaaand you think cornering him before class starts is a good way to find out what’s wrong with him?” Jamal asks skeptically. 

Cesar’s stomach twists into a knot at Jamal’s words. He glares at Jamal, and the look must be effective, because Jamal throws both his hands up in surrender.

“Hey, man, I’m just saying!” Jamal says. “Ruby usually _volunteers_ information. If he hasn’t told us anything yet . . .”

Cesar is still glaring at Jamal, letting all the heat he’s suddenly feeling in his body pour into Jamal’s face, when he notices Jasmine walking up to them. Jasmine sees them, raises an eyebrow and scurries over to them in the same way Jamal had.

“What’s going on? Is some shit going down??” Jasmine asks. “Why we huddled up???” 

Cesar sighs and closes his eyes, squeezing tightly. The day hasn’t even started yet, and he’s already tired. 

“Have you seen Ruby?” Cesar asks through gritted teeth.

He opens his eyes to see Jasmine giving him a look can’t decipher.

“He’s not coming today,” Jasmine says after a second. “He’s sick.”

“Sick.” Cesar hears himself spit the word out bitterly. 

It’s a lie. He doesn’t even have to hear Ruby say it to know it’s a lie. 

Cesar gives up. He walks away, leaving them behind as he storms to class. Cesar can feel them watching him as he goes, but he doesn’t even care. 

Later in the day, Cesar texts Ruby twice. He never gets a response. 

##

Ruby is “sick” again the next day. 

The day after, he comes to school but is quiet the whole day, not even speaking at lunch. He just sits close to Jasmine, sulking and staring at the table the whole time. 

Ruby spends a week sulking like that, and the air around him becomes tense and awkward. 

Then another week passes.

And another week after that, all in the same way. 

By the end of the third week, Cesar’s got a million and one questions for Ruby. 

Are you okay? 

What’s going on? 

Did someone hurt you?

Why aren’t you talking to me? 

Did I do something wrong? 

Did _I_ hurt you? 

##

A force field seems to grow around Ruby, pushing any and everyone away. 

Cesar can’t break through it, no matter how hard he tries. 

##

One day, Ruby doesn’t come to lunch at all. Cesar stares at the empty seat. 

“He said he ‘doesn’t have an appetite’,” Jasmine says. She sounds as dour as Cesar feels.

Cesar’s stomach drops. Jamal glances at him with a puzzled, concerned look on his face. 

“Yeah, I know,” Jasmine says with a deep frown. She sighs heavily. “But he wouldn’t say anything else.” 

A thick layer of silence falls over the three of them as they sit with their worry. 

Cesar feels wound-up tight; the more he thinks of Ruby, the worse the feeling gets. 

##

Cesar’s quiet—the peace he never fully trusted—ends on a Friday afternoon. Cesar knew it would end. Peace always ends. 

He just never knew what would end it. Cesar would’ve never been able to guess it. 

##

It starts with a fight with Monse, only a couple of hours after school ends. 

Cesar doesn’t even remember what starts it. One minute Monse is chatting about something her new friend Clarissa said, and the next she and Cesar are shouting at each other. Cesar’s chest gets tight, and his throat goes dry, but the anger doesn’t dissipate. 

He thinks it may have started over Ruby. 

Because Cesar had mentioned that Ruby’s been looking sad and tired and acting quiet for more than a month now, and Monse had brushed it off as a “Ruby problem” and said something like “As long as he’s alive, he’ll be fine” before going on and on about her dumb ass boarding school friends. 

And that had pissed Cesar off. Because Monse has known Ruby for _years_ , and was willing to live and die for him, but now she’s more interested in whatever her air-headed “friends” at that ridiculous school are talking about? Cesar tells her something is _wrong_ with Ruby, and she doesn’t care _at all_? 

Maybe _that_ is what’s got them yelling at each other about not understanding, and not caring and being a bad friend. Maybe that’s what pushes Cesar to say, “This is _just_ like when you ran to Brentwood to be like your white mom and her white ass kids!” 

And before Cesar can even think to feel bad about saying that—before he can remember that he’s crossed a line and brought up the one thing Monse won’t talk about—Monse’s screaming “ _Fuck you!_ ” and hanging up in his face.

Cesar lets his phone fall on the floor next to his bed. He just lies there, an arm tossed over his closed eyes. 

He’s _tired._ They argue and argue and for what? To hurt each other’s feelings and break up and then get back together? To stay on this insane merry-go-round for the rest of their lives together? 

What’s the point of that? What’s the point of _them_?

The moon rises in the sky as Cesar sinks into his thoughts. He should get up, shower, change into his pajamas or something. 

But he doesn’t. He just lies in bed, pinned down by his burning anger. Cesar lies there fuming until the flames die down, taking all of his energy with them. 

##

Cesar’s phone rings, and it scares him awake. 

He doesn’t remember falling asleep. He barely remembers what happened that afternoon. The argument pieces itself back together in his mind, and the memory renews the anger and misery in Cesar’s spirit. 

Cesar groans as he gropes around in the pitch-black darkness of his room. It’s really, really late, and he’s irritated again. He does _not_ want to talk to whoever is dumb enough to be calling.

But then he sees Ruby’s name.

Cesar scrambles to sit upright, and he suddenly feels like all of the air has been snatched out of his lungs. 

“Ruby! Are you okay?! What’s going on?” 

There’s a long, tense silence on the other end. And then Cesar hears a soft exhale.

“ _Fuck_ .” Ruby’s voice sounds rough and raw. “I did it _again._ ” 

Cesar frowns, confused and frightened, before he realizes what _it_ is: calling Cesar, when Ruby knows that Cesar would’ve been asleep. But Ruby must’ve been asleep, too, judging by the sound of his voice. 

And the last time Ruby called him like this . . . 

“You had another nightmare. A bad one.” 

It’s a statement, not a question; Cesar doesn’t need Ruby to confirm what he’s already realized. Cesar can hear Ruby shifting around in his bed, and something about the small sounds breaks Cesar’s heart. 

“I’m sorry.” Ruby’s voice is thick. He’s _crying_. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me . . .”

Cesar jumps out of bed and jams his feet into a pair of sneakers.

“I’ll be there in a little bit,” Cesar says. 

“Huh? No!” Ruby sobs. “Cesar, don’t—”

“ _Ruby_.” Cesar’s voice hardens, and Ruby goes quiet. “You can’t change my mind. I’m coming over.” 

“. . . Okay,” Ruby’s voice is small, but it makes Cesar smile despite himself. “Come to the back door.” 

With that, Ruby hangs up. Cesar stuffs his phone into his pocket, and climbs out of his window.

##

Ruby’s street is silent and dark. The weak streetlights cast a barely-there orange glow onto the pavement. It’s almost 3 in the morning; everyone with good sense is asleep, or is at least trying to go to sleep.

And then there’s Cesar, standing near Ruby’s back door, fighting the urge to knock and wake up the entire household. 

There’s a voice in Cesar’s head telling him that he’s overreacting. There’s no reason for him to be out here, in the dark and unnerving quiet, hovering outside of Ruby’s house like a creep. Ruby even said so. 

But . . . tonight feels like the first time Cesar’s heard Ruby’s voice in way too long, and he heard the fear and the sobs. Ruby’s his best friend, and Cesar meant it when he told Ruby that he would never let _anything_ happen to him. There’s no way he could’ve stopped himself from seeing Ruby now. 

It feels like he’s out there for an eternity when he sees Ruby shuffling towards him. Ruby flips on the back door light, flooding Cesar in a harsh, fluorescent glow. He opens the door, but doesn’t gesture for Cesar to come in. 

Ruby looks tired. He looks dead on his feet. 

“You _really_ don’t have to be here right now,” Ruby says. His voice still sounds shaky. 

“I _clearly_ do,” Cesar says, making his voice as gentle as possible. “Especially if you’re calling me like this.”

Cesar takes a step closer. Ruby tenses and looks at the ground, as if he’s bracing for a blow.

“I said I was sorry for that,” Ruby mumbles to the ground. 

Cesar ducks his head, trying to make eye contact with Ruby. “Ruby, please look at me.”

Ruby reluctantly looks Cesar in the eye. A smile flickers across Ruby’s face as they look at each other. It’s a minute gesture, but it’s enough to make Cesar sigh in relief.

“What’s going on, man?” Cesar asks. “You haven’t really _talked_ to me in forever. And you’ve been walking around looking like a zombie.”

“Thanks,” Ruby says flatly. “I really appreciate that.”

“You know what I mean. Just . . . please tell me what’s wrong.” 

Cesar takes another step closer to Ruby. Ruby tenses again, but he doesn’t try to move or put distance between the two of them. He looks up into Cesar’s face with wide eyes.

“It’s just these nightmares,” Ruby says quietly. “They feel . . . _so real_ and . . .” 

Ruby trails off, staring Cesar in his eyes. Ruby looks so damn _sad_ , and Cesar can’t stand it.

“What are they about?” Cesar presses. “Maybe we can talk through them.”

“ _No_!” Ruby abruptly cries. He blinks as if he’s coming out of a trance. “I don’t—I don’t want to talk about it, Cesar!” 

“You _need_ to talk about them,” Cesar says sternly. “They’re really messing with you, Ruby! Maybe I can help, somehow? Like, maybe if you tell me about them, then maybe they’ll—”

“They’re all about _you!_ ” 

Cesar goes still, stunned into silence. Ruby looks terrified. It feels like the whole world has stopped for a second. 

“ _Me_?” Cesar echoes, because it still hasn’t sunk in yet. 

Ruby sighs, and his shoulders slump. His entire body seems to sag.

“ _Yes_ . All my dreams . . . _nightmares_ . . . have been about you.”

Cesar stares, feeling more bewildered and shocked by the second. 

Ruby has nightmares about _him?_ Shit, is being his friend _this_ bad? 

A memory flashes in Cesar’s mind: Jamal, standing between him and Cesar, telling Cesar that being his friend is a “liability.” Cesar remembers that he was so mad at Jamal for saying that, but he couldn’t say that Jamal was _wrong._

Maybe Cesar shouldn’t be so surprised. After all, he can stand here and think of a thousand ways he’s messed up their lives. 

Something clicks in Cesar’s mind now as he thinks it over. 

“You’ve been trying to avoid me,” Cesar says. “Like, _me_ specifically. That’s why you’ve missed school and lunch.”

“. . . _Yeah_ , I have,” Ruby confesses sheepishly. 

Cesar’s heart drops in his stomach, and his face grows hot. It makes sense; if Ruby’s spent all this time seeing Cesar in his nightmares, why would he want to see him when he’s awake? 

Cesar shouldn’t ask the question that’s nagging at him. He should probably go home, considering what Ruby’s just told him. But Cesar has to know. 

“What happens in these dreams?” 

To Cesar’s surprise, Ruby softens, and he shuffles closer to Cesar. They’re in each other’s space now, and Cesar fights the urge to wrap his arms around Ruby and hug him tight.

“A lot of different things happen,” Ruby says quietly. “ Sometimes . . . sometimes, it’s you getting shot or stabbed, and I’m trying to stop the bleeding, and I _can’t._ Sometimes, I dream about you getting taken away by the police or the Prophet$ or whoever, and I can’t get you back. Sometimes, you just _disappear._ Like, I go to your house or something and you’re gone, and I tell Oscar I need to find you, and—”

“Ruby, hold on,” Cesar says, and the words come out on a nervous laugh. Cesar’s hands find Ruby’s shoulders, and he feels Ruby go even looser under his touch. “You’re worried about _losing_ me? _That’s_ what they’re about?” 

Ruby nods mutely, and Cesar almost feels overwhelmed by a strange sense of relief.

“I’m not going anywhere, compa. I’m right here. I’m always going to be here for you.”

“Don’t say that,” Ruby mutters. His eyes bore into Cesar’s now. “Please don’t.” 

“Why not?” Cesar challenges, squeezing Ruby’s shoulders. “It’s true! As long as I have a say, I’ll always be here for you.” 

“I . . . I don’t think it’s that simple anymore,” Ruby whispers. 

Cesar shrugs. “It’s that simple for me. I love you. So, I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be around as long as you want me to be.” 

Ruby looks at Cesar; his eyes widen again, and his lips part. Cesar’s thinking of another way to convince him when Ruby’s suddenly _on_ Cesar. His chest against Cesar’s abs, his arms are around Cesar’s neck. 

And his lips are on Cesar’s before Cesar can process what’s happening.

Ruby’s . . . _kissing_ Cesar. He’s kissing Cesar at 3-something in the morning by his backdoor. 

And Cesar’s kissing him back. 

He kisses Ruby back, and his hands find Ruby’s waist. A part of Cesar’s mind starts to scream at him, demanding to know _what the FUCK are you doing right now??_

But, for a moment there, all Cesar can focus on is how soft Ruby’s lips are, how warm this embrace is, how _good_ Ruby’s body feels against his. How good it feels to simply _have_ Ruby in this moment. 

There’s a part of him that’s coming undone, falling to pieces at what’s happening. But Cesar finds himself pulling Ruby closer, and they keep kissing. Cesar lets himself sink into it; the rest of the world starts to fall away as he holds Ruby tight in his arms. Cesar pours every bit of himself—all his fear and anxiety and _love_ for Ruby—into this kiss. 

Then, without any warning, Ruby’s pushing Cesar away, shoving him hard enough to make him stumble. Ruby stumbles, too, as he backs away from Cesar; Ruby trips over his own feet, and his back slams hard against the door. Ruby flinches, his hand twitches, and his eyes fill with tears. But never once does he look away from Cesar. 

“I’m sorry.” Ruby’s voice breaks over the words. “I’m so sorry, Cesar. I’m . . .” 

“Ruby, wait . . .” but the words fail Cesar. Cesar only wants to say that it’s _okay_ , but he can’t get the damn words out.

Ruby reaches behind him and opens the door. He turns his back on Cesar.

“ _Ruby!_ ”

Ruby freezes, and Cesar can see the way his grip on the door handle tightens. 

But Ruby doesn’t look back at Cesar. He rushes inside of the house, letting the door slam behind him. 

And Cesar just stands there. Staring at the door, shaking. 

##

Cesar doesn’t remember walking home. He doesn’t remember putting one foot in front of the other.

Cesar climbs back in through his bedroom window, and barely feels the strain of his muscles. He bumps his knee against the window sill, and he doesn’t feel the slightest bit of pain. 

Cesar barely remembers to close the window once he’s inside. He just stands in the middle of his room, drifting like a boat with no anchor. 

“You’re bad at sneaking in, you know.”

Cesar blinks at Oscar’s smug voice. Oscar turns on Cesar’s bedroom light, and once again, Cesar is flooded in harsh, fluorescent beams. 

Cesar doesn’t look at his brother. He blinks against the light and rubs roughly at his eyes. 

“Cesar . . .” The smugness is replaced with worry. “Hermano, why are you crying?”

Cesar pulls back his hand and looks down at it. There’s wetness there, and his eyes sting. When did he start crying?

“Cesar, where have you been?” Oscar’s voice is hard now, but Cesar can hear he’s nervous. “What’s going on?”

Cesar finally looks up at Oscar. Oscar looks on-edge, watching Cesar with an agitated expression. 

“Ruby,” Cesar answers. He winces at how ragged his own voice sounds. “I . . . I went to Ruby’s. He . . . he called me.” 

“Is he okay?” Oscar demands. Because Oscar is just as paranoid as Cesar. “What’s wrong with him?”

“He’s . . .” 

Cesar’s mind is shattered. He could say Ruby is fine—he’s _trying_ to say Ruby is fine and alive and as well as he can get. But Cesar thinks of Ruby’s arms around his neck, and his lips against Cesar’s lips, and what if _that_ is the last time Cesar sees Ruby? What if Ruby decides to avoid him forever now?

_“Cesar!_ ” 

Shit, Cesar’s gone too long without answering. Oscar looks more bothered and worried by the second.

“He’s okay,” Cesar forces himself to say. “He’s okay.”

“What about _you_ ? What the hell is _your_ problem?”

Cesar looks at Oscar with a weary-eyed stare. 

It dawns on him, just now: there’s no way he can _ever_ tell Oscar about what happened tonight.

“I’m tired,” Cesar mumbles. “I’m just tired. Just . . . wanna go to bed.”

Cesar sits down heavily on his bed and slowly kicks off his shoes. Oscar watches with a doubtful expression.

“You sure?” 

Cesar nods. His body feels heavy, as if he’s covered with a weighted blanket. 

“Alright then,” Oscar quietly mutters.

He walks out of Cesar’s room, turning off the light and closing the door behind him.

Cesar lies down, sprawling out on his back. He stares at his ceiling until his eyes go blurry.

##

Cesar’s never had to think about his sexuality.

He likes girls; it’s just that simple. Cesar’s always liked girls. And he’s always liked— _loved_ —Monse more than any other girl. 

Cesar’s loved Monse for years now, and he’s liked the softness of girls’ hands and hair and skin much longer than that. Cesar has never had a reason to question his attraction to girls. 

There’s never been a boy. Cesar’s never even given a boy a second glance. Never even considered it.

But now, there’s Ruby. 

##

If Cesar’s _really_ being honest, he can admit that he should’ve known _something_ was up with him when it came to Ruby. 

Cesar thinks about how much he worried over Ruby and how annoyed he got whenever Ruby wasn’t around. He’s _always_ worried about his friends, so it didn’t seem odd. But something about Ruby . . . every time Cesar thinks about something happening to Ruby, he feels like he’s going to die. Cesar would take a million bullets for Ruby, and maybe the intensity of that feeling should’ve been a clue. 

Cesar thinks about how the feeling of Ruby’s touch, how the feeling of Ruby’s hands and fingers lingers on Cesar’s skin. He’s leaned into those touches without even realizing it; he’s relished the warmth from Ruby’s hands on him without noticing how nice it felt, calling it “weird” instead. 

Cesar thinks about how he was perfectly content to just _look_ at Ruby. To watch the way Ruby crinkles his nose or quirks his eyebrow or narrows his eyes. To watch the way he _smiles._

Cesar thinks there’s been a tension between them before, a strange mangle of discomfort and ease, distance and familiarity. 

The fact that Cesar’s spent weeks being preoccupied with Ruby and no one else isn’t lost on him. No one else _mattered_ to Cesar. Not really. That’s probably a horrible thing to think. But it’s the truth. 

And when they kissed . . . it was like something _clicked_ in Cesar. A piece of him that’d gone missing returned, sliding into place. It felt _right._

It was only when Ruby looked at him with horror in his eyes that Cesar remembered that _this_ was wrong. As far as Cesar can see, there’s nothing “right” about any of this. 

And Cesar’s really fucked up now. 

##

The Saturday afternoon sun pours through Cesar’s bedroom and burns itself into Cesar’s skin.

It’s the heat that finally drives him out of bed. He sits up, his body stiff and aching all over. Cesar’s head is pounding, and he honestly feels like he can fall back down into bed and never get up again. 

Cesar doesn’t really see the point of getting up at all.

Three loud knocks on his bedroom door pull Cesar out of his thoughts.

“Yo, you alive in there?”

Cesar groans. “ _Yes_ , Oscar, I’m alive. What’s up?”

Oscar takes Cesar’s answer as permission to enter the room. He pushes the door open and stands in the doorway with his arms cross.

“I was starting to think I’d have to take your ass to a hospital,” Oscar says.

Cesar roughly rubs at his eyes. “Why do you say that?”

“Because it’s 4 in the afternoon, and this is the first time you’ve moved,” Oscar retorts. “You haven’t moved at all in more than 12 hours. I thought you were in a fucking coma or something.”

“The fuck?” Cesar mutters.

He reaches down for his phone and finds that it actually is 4:15 p.m. Worse yet, he’s got missed calls and texts from Jamal, Jasmine . . . and _Monse._

How the fuck is he going to explain this to Monse? 

Cesar huffs and lets his phone fall back to the ground, raking a hand through his hair. He belatedly notices that Ruby did _not_ call him, and Cesar feels very close to ripping his hair out.

“ _So_ ,” Oscar says, “are you going to tell me what happened last night? Because you look like hell, and you’re acting weird as fuck.” 

Cesar looks at Oscar and bites his tongue so hard it hurts. 

“It’s nothing,” he says with a sigh. “Just some stupid drama.”

Oscar looks at Cesar with narrowed eyes, but he nods. 

“Alright,” Oscar says. “Well, Juno and 'em are coming over later, if you want to do something else other than sitting around all day.”

Cesar snorts. “Yeah, okay. Thanks.” 

Oscar smirks, but walks out of the room, leaving Cesar alone. When Oscar’s gone, Cesar reaches down for his phone. Before he can stop himself, he calls Ruby.

But Ruby doesn’t answer.

##

Cesar doesn’t usually drink all that much. 

It seems dangerous to get too drunk. You lose control of yourself and of what happens to you. Cesar usually feels that he needs to maintain as much control as possible. It’s the only way to protect himself.

But tonight is different. 

Tonight, Cesar drinks every bottle passed to him and gets staggeringly, out-of-his-mind drunk. He knows Oscar’s watching him with that frown on his face, but he doesn’t fucking care. Cesar drinks and drinks and drinks, hoping and praying the liquor makes the noise in his head go quiet. 

But it doesn’t work. The alcohol just makes Cesar feel too loose but heavy. He feels _hot._ Every sound bothers him. By the time Juno’s whining about some chick that dumped him, Cesar feels like he’s crawling out of his own skin. 

“I just don’t _understand_ , man,” Juno slurs, leaning all over another man. “We was doing _good!_ I swear we was.” 

Cesar listens to him talking and suddenly starts thinking of Ruby. Ruby, Ruby, Ruby. 

Ruby, laughing. 

Ruby, rubbing his temples at Jasmine and Jamal’s shenanigans. 

Ruby, with his arms around Cesar’s neck.

Cesar gets up without thinking about it, stumbling past everyone back into the house. He doesn’t recall pulling out his phone and calling Ruby, but he does it. Cesar hears himself talking, words that barely make sense spilling out of his mouth and into Ruby’s voicemail.

“We gotta talk _sometime_ ,” Cesar’s saying, slurring his word. “Gotta figure it out. Te echo de menos, Ruby.” 

Cesar doesn’t remember hanging up and flopping down face first onto his bed, either. But, all of sudden, there’s a pillow muffling his face, and his knuckles are pressed against the floor, and he can hear Ruby's voice ringing in his ears.

##

The sunlight is still pale and cool when Cesar wakes up Sunday morning. He’s stiff and sore all over, like he got ran over by an 18-wheeler. His head is pounding, and his mouth and throat feel like he tried to swallow cotton. 

Aw, fuck. Cesar’s hung over.

Cesar’s phone rings, and it’s the loudest sound in the world. He drags it over to him, and he somehow feels even sicker when he sees it’s Monse.

Cesar’s not ready to do this. But . . . he might as well get it over with now.

Cesar rolls onto his back and answers the phone.

“Sooo, you were just gonna _ignore_ me?” Monse says in an accusatory tone. 

“I’m sorry,” Cesar rasps, flinching at the sound of his own voice. “I didn’t mean to. I slept all day Saturday.”

“You sound sick,” Monse says in a softer tone. “Are you okay?”

“I . . . I had a bad night. That’s all.”

They don’t say anything for a few moments. Cesar takes deep breaths, willing himself to speak. This might be the last time he talks to Monse. For a long time, at least. 

“I’m sorry about what I said Friday. About you being like your mom. It was wrong and hateful. I’m . . . I’m sorry I keep hurting you. I don’t mean to.”

Monse sighs. “I know you don’t. I’m sorry, too. And I don’t mean to make it seem like I’ve forgotten about any of you, or that I care more about the girls here than I do you guys. I love you guys. It’s just that everything here is so _new_ to me, and I—”

“Monse. You should know. I—I kissed someone Friday night.”

Silence. Monse’s so quiet that Cesar almost thinks she’s not there. But then he hears her tense breathing.

“ _What?_ ” Her voice has gone cold. 

Cesar swallows. _Say it. Just say it._

“Someone kissed me. But, I didn’t stop them. I kissed them back.”

“ . . . Are you just saying that to fuck with me?”

“No. I’m really sorry, Monse—”

“ _Don’t!_ Don’t fucking say you’re sorry!” Monse’s tone is furious and hurt and exactly what Cesar deserves. “Why’d you do it? _Why_ did you kiss someone? Was it just because you were mad at me??”

Cesar thinks of the moment right before he and Ruby kissed, that split second where he could feel Ruby’s body under his hands, and Ruby looked up at him with wide eyes. 

“I don’t . . . I don’t totally know _why_ I did it,” Cesar admits. “I don’t know. But it felt . . . right _and_ wrong at the same time.”

“Right _and_ wrong? What the _fuck_ does that even mean??”

“ . . . I think I like them.” Cesar’s voice is meek and unsure; he didn’t expect himself to say _that._ But it’s too late to take it back. 

“You like them,” Monse echoes. “ _Wow._ ”

Another silence. Cesar fights the urge to fill the dead air with another round of “I’m sorry.” It’ll do no good, anyway.

“Who was it?” Monse suddenly demands. “Who’d you kiss? Do I know them?”

Cesar freezes. He should tell the truth; he shouldn’t lie anymore. And she’ll find out soon enough, anyway. How could she _not_ find out?

But . . . Ruby doesn’t deserve to be hated. She’s going to hate him, regardless. But Cesar doesn’t want to speed up the process. 

Monse actually saves him from making that decision, though. 

She sighs. Her voice sounds so sad and tired, and it feels like a punch to the chest.

“I don’t even care. I really don’t. Goodbye, Cesar.”

The line goes dead before Cesar can say anything back.

Cesar puts his phone back on the floor, and drapes an arm over his eyes. 

Outside of his window, the block starts to wake up, people leaving their houses for church or the grocery store or the company of their friends and family. 

Cesar blocks the sounds out, sinking further and further into darkness. 

##

It feels wrong to be going to school on Monday.

Cesar feels out of place as he walks to class. Friday night feels like it happened a year ago, and everything feels _different_ to Cesar. Everything feels askew somehow, as if Cesar’s looking at his surroundings with his head tilted. The other kids sound more like kids now. Class work is bordering on pointless. The halls and lockers even look different to Cesar.

He couldn’t have changed _this_ much in just two days. But, then again, maybe he has. 

##

Cesar skips lunch. Ruby’s not going to be there, anyway. 

And even if he was, what would happen? Ruby and Cesar would sit there, all awkward and stressed, while Jasmine and Jamal tried to figure out what the hell is wrong? Things are bad enough. There’s no need to make them worse. 

Cesar settles for sitting in a stairwell and sending Ruby a text he knows Ruby won’t answer.

**11:45 AM: Text me back sometime, Ruby. just wanna talk. Make sure you’re okay.**

##

Cesar walks past his own house after school and makes a beeline for Ruby’s.

He lingers outside of the gate, trying to peer inside. Cesar can’t see anyone inside, but he knows that Abuelita’s probably in there. Ruby should be, too. 

This is creepy. Cesar _knows_ this is creepy. Yet and still, he barely stops himself from going around the back of the house and knocking on the door until someone lets him in. 

Cesar settles for pulling his phone out of his pocket and calling Ruby. He stands on the sidewalk while Ruby’s phone rings. 

He tries not to be disappointed when he gets the voicemail. 

Cesar doesn’t leave a message. He shoves his phone back into his pocket and walks home. 

##

Cesar wants to see him. He _needs_ to see him. Cesar wants to reach out and hold Ruby and tell him they can figure it out. They can figure out whatever is happening between them, even if neither of them knows what they’re doing. Cesar wants to tell him that he feels _so much_ for Ruby, and no, he can’t name all of it, but it’s _there._

Cesar wants to say so much. But he has no idea how to do it. 

##

Tuesday passes. So does Wednesday, and so does Thursday.

They’re all the same. Cesar tries to force himself to pay attention in class and not think of Ruby. He skips lunch so that he can hide in a stairwell or in an empty classroom and text Ruby. Cesar walks by Ruby’s house, but he’s not brave enough to knock on the door and ask to be let in. He calls Ruby, but he’s not brave enough to leave a message. 

Three days drags, feeling like three months. Cesar feels worn down by the end.

##

For the thousandth time, it occurs to Cesar that Ruby probably doesn’t want to see him ever again. That Ruby’s life will be much, much easier once he’s free of the complications Cesar keeps bringing to it. 

Monse’s definitely grateful that they’ve ended things. Why wouldn’t Ruby be grateful, too? Cesar causes them nothing but pain and trouble. 

##

Friday morning, just after second period, Jamal snatches Cesar into a supply closet so fast that Cesar doesn’t even have time to scream.

Jamal closes and locks the door behind them. It takes everything in Cesar to not punch him in the face.

“Okay, what the hell is going on??” Jamal demands, glaring at Cesar with his arms crossed.

Cesar glances around the closet. His back is pressed up against rolls of toilet paper and a raggedy mop.

“Shouldn’t I ask _you_ that?” Cesar retorts. “Since you just dragged me into a _closet_??”

Jamal rolls his eyes. “Look, I _had_ to, okay? I saw you and knew I probably wouldn’t see you again since you’ve been _avoiding_ us!” 

“I haven’t been avoiding anybody,” Cesar grumbles. 

It’s a fucking lie. And, judging by the look on his face, Jamal knows it. 

“Oh, please. We haven’t seen your ass in a _week._ ”

“I’ve . . . I’ve had a lot going on, okay?” Cesar says, avoiding Jamal’s eyes.

Jamal tosses his hands up in frustration. 

“ _All of y’all_ have had ‘a lot’ going on! Ruby broke up with Jasmine on Monday, Monse called me the other night telling me how much she _hates you_ , and I’m just trying to figure this shit out and—” 

“Wait! What did you just say?” Cesar looks up at Jamal, stunned by what he thinks he’s just heard.

“Oh, what, that your girlfriend apparently hates you?” Jamal asks. “Yeah, she said that! Wanna tell me why?” 

“No, no, not what Monse said!” Because Cesar understands that all too well. “I meant about Ruby . . .”

Jamal blinks at Cesar as if Cesar’s grown a second head.

“That Ruby broke up with Jasmine?” Jamal says deliberately. “ _Yes_ , he did. I’m sorry, do you really care more about _that_ than about Monse hating your guts?” 

“I . . . um . . . I think Monse and I are done,” Cesar says. “For good, this time. We had a pretty big blowup last weekend. So, yeah, I already know she hates me.” 

“Hold up. Jasmine said she and Ruby were done for good, too,” Jamal says suspiciously.

“. . . Did she say why?” Cesar asks awkwardly. 

Jamal glares at Cesar with even more suspicion.

“She said Ruby told her he had feelings for someone else. But wouldn’t say who.”

Cesar’s stomach drops. He feels dizzy. 

Ruby . . . has feelings for him? Real feelings, beyond a spur-of-the-moment kiss? 

Cesar thinks of the nightmares Ruby described; maybe Cesar shouldn’t be so surprised. Why else would Ruby be _that_ scared by the idea of losing Cesar? 

“Oh,” Cesar says quietly. 

“ _Oh?_ ” Jamal says. “What’s that mean?” 

Cesar clams up and shrugs. Jamal steps even closer to him, and Cesar tries to lean back as far as he can.

“What happened with you and Monse?” Jamal asks. “What was the ‘blowup’ about?”

Cesar stares at Jamal. The last time Cesar told Jamal something like this, Jamal nearly came unglued. And Olivia hadn’t even been a boy. 

“What all did she say to you?” 

“She didn’t actually say all that much,” Jamal says. “She was just ranting about how you betrayed her, and how she doesn’t understand why you two had even tried to be together anymore. She didn’t give me any details.”

Cesar looks at the ground, his face burning.

“She’s right,” he mumbles. “I _did_ betray her.”

“Wanna tell me _how_?” Jamal says. 

Cesar shoves his hands in his pocket, and he shifts his weight from one to the other. Cesar feels like a scared little kid. 

“I . . . kissed somebody. And I think I have feelings for them.”

Jamal frowns, looking puzzled. 

“Hey, that's what Jasmine said about . . .”

Cesar looks up at Jamal again. He watches as Jamal’s face shifts. He can literally see Jamal putting two and two together.

Jamal’s eyes suddenly go wide. Cesar shrinks under his stare.

“Oh!” Jamal cries. “Oh? _Oh._ ”

Cesar’s stomach tightens. He wants to push past Jamal and run away as fast as he can. 

“You and Ruby . . . ?” 

Cesar nods. 

“Holy _shit!_ ” Jamal slaps a hand over his mouth, but he doesn’t look any less shocked. “ _Ohmygod for real??_ What the hell, man? Are you being serious??” 

“ _Yes_ , for real, Jamal!” Cesar cries in frustration. Tears start to sting Cesar’s eyes. “Yes, okay? We kissed! And it’s been weird since then. And I—look, I think I like him, okay? I think I _really_ like him. But he’s ignoring me, and now Monse hates me, and she’s gonna hate _him_ too! So, can you just . . . just . . . _please . . ._ ” 

Cesar starts to sob. It’s so fucking embarrassing, but he can’t stop. 

“Whoa, man, calm down!” Jamal says. 

Jamal grabs hold to Cesar’s forearms. Cesar grabs onto Jamal’s arms, too, but he still can’t stop himself from crying. 

“Hey, I don’t mean to sound like anything’s _wrong_ with it! You know I’m not like that!” Jamal says. “I’m just surprised, that’s all. It’s okay!” 

“ _Is it?_ ” Cesar mumbles. He’s trembling all over.

Jamal squeezes Cesar’s arms and looks him in the eyes.

“Yeah, man,” he says with a smile. “Why wouldn’t it be?”

Cesar finally starts to calm. He takes deep, quivering breaths and the sobs start to subside. They slowly let go of each other’s arms. Cesar almost feels okay. That is, until another thought occurs to him.

“I mean,” Cesar says shakily, “the fact that we both had girlfriends probably makes it not okay. And our girlfriends are also part of the _crew._ ”

Jamal pulls a face. “ _Yeah_ , that does make it a little messy,” he concedes.

Cesar groans. “A _little_ ,” he grumbles. “It think it’s more than ‘a little.’”

“Wait,” Jamal says. “Does Monse know that it was _Ruby_ you kissed?”

Cesar shakes his head. 

“Oh, shit,” Jamal mutters.

“I know. Do you think she’ll kill us both when she finds out?”

Jamal cringes, but nods. “Yeah, yep. Death is probably imminent.” 

Cesar laughs humorlessly. “And to think I didn’t even get to talk to Ruby before I died. Oh, well.” 

Jamal gets an idea; Cesar can see it in the way his eyes light up.

“Let _me_ handle Ruby for you,” Jamal says slyly. “I’ll get him to talk to you.”

“Do I want to know _how_?” Cesar asks warily. 

“Don’t worry about all that,” Jamal says, clasping his hand on Cesar’s shoulder. “You just worry about what you’re gonna say to him, okay?” 

With that, Jamal leaves the closet, a bounce in his step. Cesar watches him go and sighs.

Whatever happens is just gonna happen now. 

##

Cesar doesn’t hear from Jamal for the rest of the day, and he doesn’t know if he should be grateful for that or not. 

He tries not to dwell on it as he walks home, but his mind keeps going back to them in that damn closet. Part of Cesar thinks Jamal can only make this worse. Jamal’s dramatic as hell, exaggerating and waving his arms around as he gets more and more excited. The last thing this situation needs is more drama. 

But . . . Jamal said they were okay. He said Cesar and Ruby were okay. And that made Cesar feel good for a moment. It kind of made Cesar think it’s not as bad as he thought it was. 

Cesar walks past his house, heading for Ruby’s again. He feels less scared today. He’s not as anxious, not as agitated. In his mind, Cesar knows he probably should be worried. But he’s not.

##

Jasmine’s waiting outside of Ruby’s house. 

Cesar sees her and freezes. He is _not_ prepared to face her yet. He doesn’t know when he will be, but he knows today is clearly not the day.

Cesar turns around, hoping to walk away undetected. But Jasmine suddenly shouts in his direction.

“ _There_ you are!” 

Her voice sends chills up Cesar’s spine.

“Uh uh, don’t try to run away from me, Cesar Diaz!” Jasmine calls. “Come over here real quick!” 

Cesar closes his eyes and says a quick prayer. Then he forces his eyes open, turns around and walks over to Jasmine. 

Jasmine stands there glaring at Cesar with her arms crossed. The big, bedazzled fake rose she’s wearing in her side ponytail almost distracts him from the invasive stare she’s giving him. 

“Jasmine—”

Jasmine holds her hand up, and Cesar falls silent. 

“Ah! Don’t even try it with me, Romeo,” Jasmine says. “I know what’s going on.”

Of course, she does. Jasmine _always_ knows. 

“He told you it was me,” Cesar mutters flatly.

To his surprise, Jasmine shakes her head. 

“He didn’t _have_ to tell me it was you. I figured it _had_ to be you!” 

“Wait . . . really?” A note of hopefulness accidentally creeps into Cesar’s voice. 

Jasmine rolls her eyes. “ _Yeah_ , I did. He talked about you _so damn much_ before he went into shutdown mode. And you two have been _weird_ around each other for a little minute, now. Like at the last movie night, when Ruby literally fell asleep _on you_ , and you watched him sleep like you’re in love with him.” 

Cesar starts to burn all over; the feeling travels away down to his toes that curl in his sneakers.

“You noticed that?” he asks hesitantly. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I didn’t know if I had anything to worry about then!” Jasmine says. “For all I knew, you were in love by yourself. But then Ruby started being distant and quiet, and I couldn’t get him to tell me _anything!_ And then one night, he comes to my house all crying and snotty, talking about ‘I’m so sorry, Jasmine! I kissed someone, and they’re all I can think about, and I’m _so sorry!_ ’” 

Jasmine snorts and waves her hand at the memory. But Cesar feels like he’s going to choke on the guilt he feels. 

“I _am_ sorry,” Cesar says. “I totally understand if you hate me or don’t want to be friends anymore.”

Jasmine narrows her eyes at him. “You know, I probably _should_ hate your ass because you _stole my fucking boyfriend!_ ”

Cesar cringes, but nods. This is how he imagined this conversation going.

But Jasmine suddenly sighs, and whatever heat she had her glare evaporates.

“But I _can’t_ ,” she says, “not _really._ I can’t help that you two are in love. It _really_ fucking sucks, and I gotta start picking better men, because I’m not trying to be with some boy who is _that_ hung up on someone else. But you can’t control how you feel, right? ” 

“Right,” Cesar mumbles, almost afraid to feel relieved. “Right. Thank you, Jasmine.”

Jasmine abruptly jabs her finger in his Cesar’s face. 

“That’s how I feel _now_ , papito,” she says. “Now, tomorrow, I could wake up and decide to plant evidence on you both and have your asses outta here. Got it?” 

Cesar nods sheepishly. Jasmine glares at him for what feels like forever. But then the corners of her lips quirk upward. 

Cesar sees her small smile and almost bursts into tears of joy. 

##

Cesar collapses face-first onto his bed when he gets home. He could sleep for a thousand years at this point.

His phone rings, and the noise makes Cesar groan in frustration.

“What you _want_?” he growls into his pillow. 

He picks up his phone, and his heart stops. It’s Monse.

Today will never fucking end, will it?

Cesar takes a deep breath and reluctantly answers. 

“Monse . . .”

“So. _Ruby_ , huh?”

Cesar’s throat goes dry, but he forces himself to speak anyway.

“How do you know? Did Jasmine tell you?”

Monse laughs darkly. “ _Ruby_ did, actually. On the phone not that long ago. Guess the _guilt_ got to him.”

The shock of hearing those words snatches Cesar’s voice. He can hear Monse waiting on the other end though; she needs some sort of explanation. 

“Yeah, Ruby and I . . . I kissed Ruby.”

“Are you—” Monse breathes in sharply, as if she’s in pain. “Have you two been sneaking around this _whole_ time? Am I just too stupid to have noticed?”

“ _No!_ No, it’s nothing like that. Ruby . . . he just . . .”

“He just _what,_ Cesar?”

“ _Happened_.” Cesar’s voice cracks over the word, but he knows it’s the perfect one. 

“He _happened_ , Cesar?” Monse challenges, her tone piercing. “Just like that?”

“Yeah . . . he did,” Cesar says quietly. “And I didn't _mean_ for this to happen so quick—or at all, even. But, Monse, I—”

“Do me a favor.” Monse’s voice is cold and steely. “Don’t ever fucking speak to me again.”

She hangs up. 

Cesar sighs and puts his phone back down next to him. Tears slide down his face as he drifts off to sleep.

##

Cesar spends Saturday doing nothing. He just sits in his room, thinking of Ruby, and Monse, and Jasmine, and Jamal, and _Ruby._ All the thoughts contort themselves into a ball in the pit of Cesar’s stomach. 

Oscar pokes his head in, asks if Cesar’s just going to lay around all day. Cesar just shrugs. 

##

Cesar wakes up to the sound of rocks hitting his window.

It’s once, then twice, then twice again. It takes Cesar a second to realize someone wants his attention. 

“ _Cesar!_ ” the harsh stage whisper breaks through Cesar’s sleep-induced fog. “ _Let me in before I get snatched!_ ”

Ruby.

Cesar scrambles up and opens his window as wide as it can open. Ruby starts crawling through, and Cesar doesn’t hesitate to grab his hands and help him inside. 

Ruby clambers in, crashing into Cesar’s arms in the process. Cesar laughs as he looks Ruby over.

“You good?”

Ruby huffs out a laugh. He looks tired. But he’s smiling now. 

“Yeah,” Ruby answers. “Yeah, I’m good.”

Cesar nods. He has to force himself to stand here; he’s full of giddiness and terror, and it’s shifting into this weird jitteriness. 

Ruby glances down towards his left hand, and his face reddens; he and Cesar are still holding hands, Cesar’s right-hand fingers laced with Ruby’s left-hand ones. Cesar gently squeezes Ruby’s fingers, and Ruby looks up at him with wide eyes. 

“What’re you doing here, Ruby?” Cesar murmurs. 

“Well, I mean, you _were_ blowing my phone up all week. And stalking my house like a creep,” Ruby says, his tone playful. “Plus, you stuck Jamal and his megaphone on me!” 

Cesar blinks at “megaphone,” but decides to file it away for later. 

“So, it took all _that_ to get you to finally stop hiding from me?”

Ruby glares at Cesar weakly. Then he smiles softly and nods. 

“Yeah, I guess so.” 

Cesar and Ruby just watch each other for a moment. Ruby’s hair is growing; it’s starting to fall in front of Ruby’s eyes a little bit. Cesar finds himself moving a piece of hair out of the way. He wants to be able to really _see_ Ruby. 

“I missed you, you know,” Cesar says softly.

Ruby goes still underneath Cesar’s touch. He watches Cesar’s hand as it falls to his side before looking up at Cesar’s face with wide eyes.

“Yeah, I know. I can tell,” Ruby says. “I, um . . . I missed you, too, compa.”

“And yet, you were going to avoid me for the rest of your life,” Cesar says teasingly.

Ruby rolls his eyes. “Look, this is my first sexuality crisis, okay? I’m going _through it_ right now.”

“So am I, Ruby!” Cesar says. “I mean . . . you should’ve heard me trying to talk to Monse earlier.”

Ruby’s face falls, and Cesar immediately hates himself for making Ruby frown. 

“I’m sorry I told her,” Ruby says. “She called me outta nowhere, and I ended up blurting it out and—”

“Ruby, _Ruby_!” Cesar says, his hands finding Ruby’s in the darkness of his room. “It’s okay!” 

(Because it is okay. Well, it might be okay. But, “might be” is good enough for Cesar for now.)

“Are you sure about that?” Ruby squeezes Cesar’s hands as he speaks. “Because Monse hates us now.”

“I know. But maybe we can make it right with her one day. Maybe she won’t hate us forever.”

Ruby snorts. “You have _met_ Monse Finnie? That girl will hold a grudge until we’re all dead and buried.” 

“That is _very_ true,” Cesar says with a shaky laugh. “We’ll have to give her a few years.”

Ruby scoffs and sits down on Cesar’s bed, pulling Cesar closer to him.

“Cesar, are we bad people? For doing this messy nonsense?”

Cesar sits down as close as he can manage. Their legs press together, and they have their fingers wrapped around each other, and Cesar thinks he’d laugh if he wasn’t trying to not ruin the moment. 

“You could never be a bad person, Ruby,” Cesar says quietly. “You’re amazing.”

“I don’t know if I should trust your judgement, though,” Ruby says softly. 

“Me liking you lets me know that my judgement is pretty good,” Cesar teases. “It’s _your_ judgement I’m worried about.” 

Ruby smiles and starts to speak, but a loud yawn erupts from his mouth instead. Cesar chuckles and tugs Ruby towards him.

“Lay down with me?”

“You’re gonna fuck around and get me in trouble,” Ruby mumbles. 

But, not a second later, Cesar and Ruby are laying down, rearranging themselves on the bed so they can lie facing each other. Cesar puts his arm on Ruby’s waist, and Ruby moves so that he can be even closer. 

It feels like it’s just him and Ruby in the world when they’re lying like this. Like everything and everyone else has fallen away.

“So,” Ruby whispers, “you like me, huh?”

Cesar laughs, his voice low. “Well, let’s see. I can barely function when you’re not around. I think your smile is one of the best things I’ve ever seen in my life. And I would literally do _anything_ to make sure you spend the rest of your life smiling and happy. So yeah, I think I like you.”

Ruby giggles, and the sound makes Cesar warm all over.

“That’s good to know. Now I can stop feeling like I’m losing my mind.”

“Does this mean you like me, too?” Cesar asks with a grin.

“Well,” Ruby says with a sigh, “you’re all I ever think about, the thought of losing you makes me feel like I’ll die, and I _really_ want to kiss you. So, I _guess_ I like you a little bit.”

Cesar smiles so hard his muscles start to ache.

“You know,” he murmurs, “if you want to kiss me, then you should kiss me.”

“Yeah?”

Ruby moves closer still, moving until they’re chest-to-chest and Cesar can’t tell the difference between his heartbeat and Ruby’s.

“ _Yeah_.” 

Ruby kisses him, deeper and harder than Cesar expected.

But Cesar kisses back just as hard. 

They kiss and kiss, and their hands roam and their breaths hitch until the moon begins to sink in the sky. 

##

Cesar’s harsh bedroom light wakes him up. 

The brightness replaces the comfort of the dark, and Cesar groans as he forces his eyes open. He feels someone moving next to him, and he feels a moment of wild fear before he looks over and realizes it’s Ruby. Ruby, still here, his arms draped onto Cesar.

Ruby blinks awake, squinting at the sudden brightness in the room. He looks at Cesar and smiles blearily.

“ _Excuse me_.”

Oscar’s voice makes Cesar’s heart stop. 

Ruby sits up and scrambles away from Cesar so fast, it makes Cesar dizzy. Oscar watches them with raised eyebrows, his gaze bouncing from Cesar to Ruby. His eyes settle on Ruby, and Ruby shrinks under Oscar’s gaze.

“You need to get home,” Oscar says to Ruby, “before someone at your house wakes up and realizes you’re not there.”

Ruby nods stiffly. He gets out of bed, standing up as if all of his muscles are frozen. He glances back at Cesar, looking utterly terrified, before leaving. 

Cesar watches Ruby go, petrified beyond belief. 

Oscar waits until they hear the front door close before speaking again. 

“So, we need to talk . . .”

Cesar’s fear shifts to frustration, and he’s suddenly on his feet, too. 

“No, we don’t,” he says, pissed at how much his voice shakes, “because—because it’s not your _business_ , okay? _Ruby_ isn’t your business!” 

“Hey! You’re the one who _made_ him my business when you snuck him in here,” Oscar retorts. “Besides, _you’re_ my business, Cesar. Whatever’s going on with you is my business now.” 

“Since _when_?” 

“Since _forever._ Because I pretty much raised your dumb ass.”

Cesar falls quiet. He’s tearing up, and he just wants Oscar to _leave_. Cesar’s not ready for all of this. 

Oscar walks over to Cesar, and Cesar starts to stumble backwards. Oscar puts a hand on Cesar’s shoulder, pressing down just enough to keep him still. 

“Cesar,” Oscar says gravely, “why didn’t you tell me? You were just gonna keep it a secret?”

Cesar shrugs out of Oscar’s grasp. “Nothing to tell you.”

Oscar gestures towards their front door. “ _That’s_ nothing, hermano? It sure didn’t _look_ like ‘nothing.’”

Cesar bites the inside of his cheek, refusing to answer Oscar. He stops himself from wiping at the tears in his eyes.

“Look . . . I don’t care if you _are_ , you know,” Oscar says. “I’m just wondering why you never told me.” 

“ . . . I don’t know if I am,” Cesar admits. “I just know I feel some type of way about _him._ I didn't think . . . I didn't think that you would . . .” 

“Come on,” Oscar says, a small smile on his face, “you oughta know better than that by now.”

Oscar’s words reach through the fear and agitation clouding Cesar’s mind, and Cesar laughs, a small, broken sound of relief. Cesar laughs and cries, and he can’t but feel a little insane. 

But Oscar just pulls him into a hug, letting Cesar’s tears land on his shoulder. 

“I got ya back, alright? I got you.” 

##

Cesar barely lets the sun rise before he’s out the door, heading for Ruby again. 

He knocks on the door this time, bouncing from foot-to-foot as he waits. He can hear voices on the inside: “¿Quién es ese?” “It’s too early for all this!” “ _Mommy!_ ” “¡Abre la puerta!”

The door swings open to reveal a very confused and slightly disheveled Ruby. His eyes go wide at the sight of Cesar.

“Are you okay?!” Ruby demands. He glances behind him really quickly before stepping outside. “What did Spooky say? Did he kick you out again? Is he—”

“Ruby, I’m good,” Cesar says, the words floating on a laugh. “I just _really_ wanted to see you.” 

Ruby looks at Cesar with a hesitant smile.

“ . . . Really?” 

“Yes, really.” 

Ruby grins brightly, and Cesar is a second away from kissing him again when Ruby’s mom calls for him.

“ _Ruby!_ Need your help with one of the twins!!”

Cesar barely holds back a laugh as Ruby rolls his eyes.

“Yes, ma’am, I’m coming,” Ruby yells into the house. Then he looks back at Cesar with a bashful smile and pink-tinted cheeks.

“Later?”

“Yeah,” Cesar says, his voice full of love, “later.” 

##

Cesar and Ruby walk aimlessly down the street, shoulder to shoulder, the golden-orange glow of the sunset pouring into their skin. 

They talk about everything and nothing. They talk about how scared and happy they feel, how confused and absolutely certain they are. They have so much to figure out, but it feels like they don’t have to think about anything at all. 

Ruby goes home with Cesar. It’s getting late, and they both know he should go back home, but Cesar pulls him inside, anyway.

Cesar finds himself with his lips on Ruby’s neck and his hands under Ruby’s shirt. Ruby laughs, sounding dazed. 

“You’re really gonna ruin my life, huh?” 

Cesar chuckles and holds him even tighter.

“I sure hope not.” 

##

Things are still weird for the first couple of weeks. 

Jamal’s careful with his words, something Cesar’s not used to. Cesar can see Jamal choosing which questions to ask, which statements to make, which topics of conversation to avoid. 

Cesar thinks it’s considerate. Jamal loves them, he doesn’t want to hurt them. Cesar’s grateful for that.

Ruby, however, is annoyed.

“It’s like he’s talking in _code_ ,” Ruby grumbles one day as they lay sprawled out in Cesar’s bed. “I need him to just go ahead and accidentally offend me so we can get it over with.” 

Cesar snorts at the thought. He gently runs his fingers through Ruby’s hair and feels pride rise in him at Ruby’s contented sigh. 

“He’s _trying_ ,” Cesar says. “We gotta let him try, you know?”

“Yeah, yeah. I know,” Ruby says, but he’s smiling this time. 

##

It takes a little over a month for Jasmine to fully come back around.

She doesn’t make a big deal about it. There’s not another conversation between her and Ruby or her and Cesar or anything. Jasmine just plops down at their lunch table one day and starts taunting Jamal about how she saw him practicing his seduction techniques.

Jamal gapes and stammers, “You know, all this spying you do is _illegal!_ I could file multiple complaints against you!” 

Jasmine scoffs. “All the crimes _you_ committed, and you wanna talk about filing complaints??” 

And they go back and forth for the rest of lunch. Ruby and Cesar watch, getting so lost in their words that they forget to be confused. 

##

Cesar and Ruby don’t hear from Monse. 

She keeps up with Jasmine and sometimes Jamal, too. She tells Jasmine she’s doing well, the girls aren’t so bad after all, it’s easier to focus on class now. She’s probably not coming home for break. 

Ruby figures Monse will never speak to them again. 

Cesar doesn’t think so. It’ll take a while—a _long_ while—but they’ll talk again one day. They might even be friends again.

##

The block is quiet. 

The summer heat gives way to a bearable warmth for fall. The leaves flutter to the ground slowly. The air goes still, but there is no heaviness or thickness. It’s light, the wind gently washing over Cesar now.

Cesar still gets anxious. He still thinks of the thousand and one ways shit can go left. He thinks of how scared he’s been, about how the fear never fully leaves you. 

But, it’s not so bad now. He’s got Ruby by his side now. 

Ruby, who holds Cesar close and lets Cesar hold him.

Ruby, who has his own fears, but trusts Cesar enough to know he’ll always be safe with him. 

Ruby, who he loves. And who loves him right back. 


End file.
